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Faux Home is the first of ten unlockable episodes that belongs to The Loud House. It is unlocked when you purchase the first The Loud House Team Pack which features Lori and Leni

Summary

When Lori’s phone breaks, she buys a new one that has powers she didn’t even know that phones had!

Transcript

The episode begins with Lori waking up and checking her phone 

Bobby (Text): Morning babe.

Lori (Text): Good morning Bobby booboo bear.

Bobby (Text): Que pasa bonita?

Lori (Text): Not much, I just got up.

Bobby (Text): Maybe later we can go somewhere?

Lori (Text): Sure, what time did you have in mind?

Bobby (Text): Maybe 7:30.

Lori (Text): OK. I’ll talk to you later sweetie! 

Bobby (Text): TTYL

Lori gets dressed & goes downstairs. As she descends the stairs she missteps & falls. Her phone flies out of her hand & crashes onto the floor. Lori gasps in horror as she finds that her phone is broken

Lori: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Leni: (Rushes out of her and Lori’s room) Lori, what’s wrong?!

Lori: (Getting sad) My phone is broken!!! This is literally the worst day of my life!! (She starts to cry)

Leni: There there sis.. We can always get you a new phone... 

Lori: I... I guess you have a point... 

A little while later, Lori and Leni are at Royal Woods Mall

Lori: I am literally freaking out sis, what if Bobby’s trying to contact me?! 

Leni: I’m sure he’ll be find, you’ll get your new phone in a few minutes!

Lori: Well... The sooner the better...

They soon arrive at the IPear Store in search of a new phone. Meanwhile, Tarman approaches the Squeaky Voiced Teen 

Tarman: Um, excuse me sir...

Squeaky Voiced Teen: How can I help you.. Sweet merciful crumbs!! You are one ugly son on a gun...

Tarman: I get that a lot.. Anyway, I heard this is the place to get a Big Mac.. (He spots a laptop) Oh, there it is! (He pulls out two hamburger buns and puts the laptop in the middle) 

Squeaky Voiced Teen: Um sir, I don’t think that’s a good idea...

Tarman: Hey you do your job and let me do mine! (He takes a bite out of it and starts getting electrocuted) Ugh... This is why I prefer the fries...

Meanwhile with Leni and Lori...

Leni: See any phones you like?

Lori: I don’t know... They look so expensive... I mean, one of them costs over $9000! 

Leni: What 9000?! There’s no way that price is legal!

Lori: Well, it’s a crazy country we live in... (She then spots a phone that costs $20) Ooooh!!! Such a beautiful phone... And only $20!!

Leni: That’s an odd price for a phone... 

Lori: I’m sure it’s just a sale... Anyway, I think it’s time we went! 

Leni: Shouldn’t we pay for the- (She notices that Lori is already gone) And she left... Well at least she payed...

A few minutes later they are driving home, when a car filled with suited men drive up next to them 

Suited Man 1: So those are the two who bought the phone?

Suited Man 2: Looks like it. 

Suited Man 3: Are you sure we should do this? They’re just teenagers! 

Suited Man 4: We have our orders, and they are to get that phone!! 

The car then tries to ram them off of the road 

Lori: Hey!! GET OFF THE ROAD YOU CRAZY LUNATICS!!! 

Suited Man 1: GIVE US THE MEGA MOBILE 9000!!

Leni: But the phone cost $20!

Suited Man 2: What are you, a moron?!

Leni: No, I’m a girl!

Suited Man 3: We don’t wanna hurt you! We just want the phone!

Lori: How about no, ya Men in Black wannabes!!

Suited Man 4: You’re gonna pay for that insult!!! 

Leni: I... think you made them mad... 

Lori: Don’t worry, I should be able to lose them!

Leni & Lori drive away as fast as they can. The suited men try to ram them off the road to no avail. After a while Lori slams the brakes causing the other car to get ahead. Before the suited men can react Leni & Lori ram them off the road. 

Suited Man 1: God damn it!!

Suited Man 2: Gah, those bitches will pay for that!

Suited Man 3: Guys, tone down the language! This is a kids show!

Suited Man 4: This game is rated T for Teen; Dipwad!! (To Lori) THIS ISN’T OVER; THAT PHONE WILL BE OURS!!! 

Lori: OVER MY DEAD BODY YOU WILL! (She and Leni drive off)

Leni: Why would those guys want your phone? 

Lori: They’re probably some creeps that steal from the poor and take for themselves! They’re gone now so we won’t have to worry about them!

A few minutes later, Lori is setting up her phone to the way her old one was. Leni comes to check on her 

Leni: Hey sis, how’s your phone working?

Lori: It's literally awesome! I just finished setting it up the way my old phone was. Oh, that reminds me! (She texts Bobby) Sorry for not answering earlier, my old phone broke and I got a new one. That’s odd... He usually responds... 

Leni: Maybe he’s busy? 

Lori: I’ll text him again... (She texts him again) Are you okay Bobby booboo bear?

Bobby’s Text: Babe, you gotta help me! There are these men in black suits that are asking questions about a phone and they’re torturing me and Ronnie Anne! I could really use some help!!

Lori’s Text: Hold on, I’ll be right over!

Lori then heads down the kitchen and grabs a knife which she puts in her pocket 

Leni: Sis, are you sure you wanna save him by yourself? You don’t know how to defend yourself!

Lori: Maybe, but I have to save him before it’s too late!

Lynn: (Walks into the kitchen) I hear someone in need of teaching!! Who’s the lucky sister!?

Lori: Well... I will need all the help I can get... Alright little sis, teach me all you know! 

Lynn: Hell yeah baby! Time for a montage! 

Lynn begins teaching Lori some karate as You’re The Best by Joe Esposito plays in the background. They go over the basic moves including punches, kicks, chops, blocks, swings, strikes & so on. After practicing all the basic moves Lori prepares herself for an attack on the suited men.

Lori: I am literally ready to kick some black suited ass! 

Lynn: I’m coming with you, you said you need all the help you can get!

Lincoln: I’m coming too! I won’t let those guys hurt the Casagrande Family, especially not Ronnie Anne! 

Lana: Same here! I’m always ready to crack some skulls with a monkey wrench!

Lola: If those guys have any laser turrets, I can use my pocket mirror to deflect them. If not, I can still make their lives hell!

Luna: And I’ll use my guitar to smash them on the Highway to Hell! 

Lori: Alright guys! Operation Casagrande Rescue is a go!

A few minutes later in Vanzilla...

Lincoln: So why are these black suited men after your phone?

Lori: Bobby said that they’re interrogating him over my new phone. For some weird reason they want it for themselves. I don't know why they want it, but we need to stop them from doing harm to Bobby & Ronnie Anne.

Lana: We can ask Lisa to look over it when we get back. 

Lori: Good idea, I don’t know what they want or why they want it; but they aren’t getting it!

They soon arrive at the Casagrande Apartment 

Lori: We need to be careful, we don’t know how deadly these guys are... (She tries to open the door but it’s locked) Crap, it’s locked!

Lincoln: How are we gonna get in?

Lana: Step aside! I got the skeleton key! (She pulls out her pipe wrench and busts the door down with it) Hey Men In Black! Come out come out wherever you are! 

Lori: Are you literally insane Lana?! You’re gonna draw attention to ourselves!! 

Lana: Don’t be ridiculous! See? No one is coming down here, so I say we move on! 

Lincoln: Let’s just be quiet the rest of the way up... That way we can avoid being detected by those men... 

The Louds then sneak through the apartment trying not to make a sound, as they move up they notice how messy the place is.

Lincoln: Geez louise, what a mess! It’s like a war zone... 

As everyone looks around they notice that furniture has been broken and damage, and every room in the house is in disarray

Lincoln: That is not a good sign....

Lori: If those jerks harm Bobby and Ronnie, I’ll punch them so hard they’ll need to see a dentist to get their teeth filled!!

As everyone walks around they hear what sounds like muffled screaming. 

Lana: That must be them, come on! 

They soon rush to Ronnie Anne’s room, where the two siblings are being held hostage 

Suited Man 1: Tell us where the phone is!!

Bobby: I don’t even know what you are talking about!! 

Ronnie Anne: Me either! Why do you want it anyway!

Suited Man 3: Well... That phone wasn’t really meant to be distributed towards the public for... Reasons that are completely confidential due to what remains of the government after what happened four years ago...

Ronnie Anne: Yeah, I heard about that... But why shouldn’t a phone be sold? My guess is day one patches, as is most of today’s video games...

Suited Man 2: No it’s not like that, it’s mainly due to what that phone can do... 

Bobby: Are you loco in the cabeza?! How can a phone cause trouble??

Suited Man 4: You wasted our time for too long, tell us where the phone is... NOW!!!

Ronnie Anne: Hey!! Leave my older bro alone!! Be glad I’m not untied, because if I was I’d punch you so hard; you’ll wake up in Area 51 and become autopsied by Roswells!!

Suddenly the door is busted down by the Loud Siblings

Lori: IF YOU DON’T LET BOBBIE BOO-BOO BEAR GO, I WILL LITERALLY KILL YOU AND SPIT ON YOUR GRAVES!!! 

Lincoln: SAME THING WITH RONNIE ANNE! 

Suited Man 1: Well well well... Looks like the tables have turned boys... Give us the phone!

Lori: No way, I’m trained in hand-to-hand combat so if you don’t let them go... You’re gonna pay...

Suited Man 4: Try us ya brats!

Lori: Fine then... Little siblings, CHARGE!!!

The Loud siblings rush at the suited men. they attack with punches, kicks, Luna's guitar, Lana's wrench & anything else they can find to use as a weapon. The suited men fight back but are quickly overpowered. 1 of them gets in a tug of war with Lori for the phone. 

Lori: LET GO OF MY PHONE!

Suited Man 1: YOU LET GO OF THE FREAKIN’ PHONE!

A button on the phone is inadvertently pressed causing the first suited man to get electrocuted. The other three men are then deafened when another button is pushed that triggers loud ringtones. 

Suited Men 2-4: GAH!!! WE’VE GONE DEAF!!

The suited men are beaten unconscious. Bobby & Ronnie Anne are freed from their bonds. 

Bobby: Thanks babe. 

Ronnie Anne: Same here, those guys were nuts! If it weren’t for Lori’s phone, we would’ve been tickled with feathers!

Lori: I don't know how my phone did that. 

Lincoln: We better get Lisa to check it out. 

Bobby, Ronnie Anne & the Loud siblings head back to the Loud household.

Lisa: Okay... Let’s see what the deal is with this phone... (She then preforms various tests on the phone and after checking all of the components, she is amazed and baffled by the results) Great Scott!! This is no ordinary phone, it's the Mega Mobile 9000!! It's able to deafen & electrocute enemies by pushing certain buttons on it!! I thought it was just an urban legend, but I guess it’s more than just some campfire story now that I have it! 

Lori: So that’s why those men wanted that phone! Probably for their own evil deeds! 

Lisa: The question is, why would this phone be distributed among the population if it was recalled... If my calculations are correct, those suited men are just pawns on the chess board; and something tell’s me that whoever their boss is, they’re the hand that’ll control anyone else that might cause trouble! I'm going to find a way to enhance the things that matter to the rest of you to make sure that they can help against any other threats. It’ll take me a few minutes, so Lori and Bobby can talk about their date plans until then!

Bobby: Well, I heard about this great new sushi shop that opened up! Maybe we can go there! 

Lori: Just as soon as Lisa’s done is when we’ll be able to go. 

Lisa: Well, to save air time; I already made them in advance!

Everyone checks their belongings to see what upgrades they've got. Leni's sunglasses shine bright light, Luna's guitar produces glass & wall breaking soundwaves, Luan's flowers squirt acid, Lynn's boxing gloves can now emit a massive shockwave, Lincoln's comics call upon its characters for assistance, Lucy's Edwin bust comes to life & switches between bat & vampire, Lana's wrench fixes anything regardless of the amount of damage taken, Lola's mirror deflects enemy projectiles & launches mirror shards, Lisa's potions give her different abilities depending on which potion she consumes & Lily's diapers launches piles of poop that release a bad odour. 

Leni: Whoa! This is so cool, these’ll definitely help in dark places!

Luna: Alright! I’m gonna be one hell of a guitar hero! 

Luan: And I’ll be sure to give those bad guys that burning feeling! Hahaha, get it?

Lynn: Well, I would think of a fighting joke to go with these gloves; but I would probably be beaten to the punch! (She throws a series of jabs before unleashing a kiai shout)

Lincoln: Its always been my dream to fight alongside Ace Savvy, and with these upgraded comics I can!

Lucy: Edwin’s new abilities are a dream come true... Yay...

Lana: I wonder what would happen if I used this on a fossil... 

Lola: It would probably shatter into a million pieces, but this mirror will show the other girls I’m one tough beauty queen! 

Lisa: Those who harm the Loud House will be sorry! We might duck, dodge, push and shove each other, but it’s how we show our love! 

Lincoln: And with one me and ten girls, I wouldn’t trade it for the world with you guys! 

Lincoln’s sisters hug their brother. Meanwhile, in an undisclosed location; two pairs of evil eyes glow and glare at the four suited men 

????: You four meatheads have failed to obtain the Mega Mobile 9000, HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE?!

Suited Man 3: I tried to ask her nicely Demhotep, but these three meanies tried it the hard way! 

Demhotep: DOES THAT MAKE THINGS BETTER?! NO!!!! DEVIL DOGS, TAKE THEM TO THE TORTURE CHAMBERS!!!! 

The suited men are taken to the torture cells as they scream hysterically. 

Demhotep: I'm not letting those kids out of my sight. I won't let them get in my way. (He then laughs evilly as the episode fades to black)

Trivia

  • The episode’s title is based on the phrase “E.T. Phone Home”
  • The IPear Store from ICarly appears in this episode
  • Brock Baker provides the role of Squeaky Voiced Teen.
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